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The Truth About the Journey…
As believers, why do we never publicly talk about how close we are to making another decision?
The truth behind it all is we are always one decision away, one choice away, one step, one move, one emotion, or one turn away from something. If I was completely honest, I have been having a hard time with my walk with Christ. Don’t get me wrong… God is good… but God is also the breaker. He breaks things within us that we thought would keep us safe. Sometimes we want Him to be our shelter — and He is — but He’s also the God who exposes.
The closer you get in relationship with Him, the more difficult it gets. In my experience, it’s because I expected the good of Him and the sweetness and gentleness of Him. And the truth of the matter is that I get that… in the most painful way. The pain comes from the peeling away at scabs I thought were healed, uncovering wounds I covered thinking I was protecting them from infections, and going beyond what I considered to be myself into this being I have no idea of. The closer I get to Him, the more undressing He does and the more exposed and unkempt I feel. I have to give Him the best parts of me and the worst parts of me and when I take a look around, I realize that I have nothing left.
It’s like standing in a once filled warehouse room wondering where all your things went when you know you chose to give them to the Supplier. Now you’re standing there, left to ponder… “what do I have?” Knowing that you have nothing, but you’ve given everything up for review. The Supplier looks through all of it… doing quality checks on the inventory and tossing out the rotten pieces. Pieces that you thought were still functional… and now you have nothing in that space. The void is felt as it’s just a hollow space… an empty box. But then He returns something, putting it in its proper place and you notice the function is better than before. You think to yourself, “man, He really knows what He’s doing.” But then the process starts over again… and again… and again… what seems to be like an endless cycle of taking away and fixing. It seems as if nothing you had was working properly and you begin to wonder how you’ve been functioning. You realize that you haven't been… you’ve been on but you haven’t been functioning. So you trust the Supplier… realizing that it’s His product anyway.
It’s what we consider the journey — an active submission of what we once knew to the knowledge of Christs’ now.
As one who struggles with perfectionism and rejection, I realize that letting mines go means I was doing it wrong… like it’s not good enough to give to Him and so I feel rejected by the mere thought because it’s not good enough. But the truth is that He is accepting of all I am willing to give up… and He is perfecting all I may get wrong. When it all rears its ugly head, I am to run into Him and His doing and not away. I am to run into the same space that has stripped me. But in this stripping, I am made free… I am washed and I am redressed in something new. This same place is in the bosom of Him — close enough to hear His heart, close enough to feel the nudge of His heartbeat. And the more I lay, the more drawn I am to the current. It pulls me in… deeper into His arms.
This same current shakes me to my core causing so many shifts I can barely keep up. Shaking everything from me yet clothing me in what I need. Beautiful is almost a misnomer as the pain of this current is electrifying, it comes in waves; waves of up-downs, waves of smiling-tears, waves of clear-enigmas… just waves. And on most days, I am happy because I am in Him and other days I am fighting because I am in Him… realizing that I am one decision away, one choice away, one step, one move, one emotion, or one turn away from going off in the wrong direction.
In these moments, I realize that it is Him… it is Holy Spirit who keeps me… who makes me about-face when I am slipping into other realities… it is Him who inches me back when I am too close to the edge… it’s Him… when I am at my weakest self yet still able to move on… it’s Him when other facets present themselves and I’m left to decide with the weight of free will… it’s Him…
So even though I am one millimeter away — because other realities don’t just go away, but they follow you, wanting you back and backwards — even though I’m one millimeter away… the waves of His current, of His heartbeat, of His inspection is what keeps me… it’s what kempts me… and I begin to settle in His closeness… and I experience the quiet rest in Him and I am set at one again with Him.