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In November of 2021, I was having a rough... I mean a really ROUGH time. It was surrounded around the struggles of becoming... You know? The process of becoming who God initially intended you to be before the experiences of this world got to you, THAT you. I was coming into (still am by the way) my true identity in Christ as well as into some of the things He wanted me to do for the kingdom in this earth.
I felt like because God was focusing so much on my part to play in the Kingdom, or at least that's how I felt, I felt as if He didn't care about me. I wanted that part to be over... I was so frustrated with all of the feelings I was experiencing. I was realizing a lot of things that weren't beneficial for me in my life or what was missing and how I needed certain things, I was frustrated with having to become them. I just wanted a moment of relief from all of the hard work I was doing to truly grow in God and walking that journey with Him. It seemed like I wasn't getting any relief or any time for reprieve... it was constantly happening and never-ending with no way out. I felt TRAPPED.
Feeling trapped is one of the worst feelings, I would say, to have. It's as if you can see the bright side but you can't get to it. You feel as if you're falling into an abyss with no end. These are all descriptions of how I'd been feeling. I was talking to my spiritual mother (will now be referred to as SP throughout the remainder of this read) and I told her I wanted out. I didn't want out of the will of the Father because I knew too much to go back, but it was so hard to go forward because the pruning, unlearning, and what seemed to be constant sacrifices were too much. I felt TRAPPED. I wanted out.
I was angry with God because I felt that He cared more about the assignment than He did about me... "God what about me??? This hurts!!! What am I supposed to do?!?! I want out." I didn't want to live in it anymore. I couldn't turn back and moving forward was painful so I just decided that the only way out was suicide. I couldn't think of any other way. It was just SOO heavy.
But what I had to realize was that I couldn't even hear what God could've been saying to me in those times because I was so engrossed in my emotions. It wasn't until I had a conversation with my SP and she called some things out that I actually stopped and paused. I had to come out of myself. It took some time, but I had to recalibrate my thinking and perspective. It wasn't until then that I started to realize some type of peace. In my evaluative recalibration, I recognized the peace of God After I surrendered. I surrendered the emotions/feelings, thoughts, desires, anger and everything else to God and was able to get clarity on perspective. It was a difficult pill to swallow, but God rests in His sovereignty (said to me by SP from God concerning my situation at this time). I had to sit with that. It meant that no matter what I deemed bad, good, hurtful -- God was still God and knew what was best.
The peace is in the surrender. No that doesn't always feel good. But processes & journeys sometimes get too heavy when we're trying to hold on to what we want, know, and are comfortable with versus what God is actually saying and doing in us. The two collide therefore causing conflict, but all of your will has to be surrendered to take on the will & perspective of the Father who knows best for His child. In that surrender comes peace because you know that God has got you covered.
The peace is in your surrender.
Speaking from experience, I know this is not easy. It gets easier the more you build up your faith and trust in God... Know that He knows and wants what's best for you. Take hold of that thought and surrender so that you may Always Be EPIC!